Happy Halloween. It’s supposed to be the scariest day of the year, or maybe the funniest, depending on your costume. But I didn’t come here to talk about what you’re wearing. NO, it’s all about my real fear on this day: the candy.
It’s not fair. This is how it begins every year. One day before November, before the first Christmas commercials air, before the first fake snowflakes fill the department stores, before some satellite station starts playing holiday music 24/7, before the first fruit cake, the first holiday party, the first of many times you will say, “I’ll just try that”, there’s the candy. It begins tonight and ends with hundreds of thousands of new gym memberships on January 2nd. And it’s all part of the master plan.
Start with the sugar, and get the ball rolling, the snowball that is, because once you start, it’s hard to stop. I see few who can resist. The candy. The candy. The candy. It all starts today, with the candy. Scary, scary candy. There’s a reason Santa has a big belly, and it’s not because Mrs. Claus wants him too, it’s because even up in the North Pole they have Halloween, (at least that’s what I think), and tonight Santa dives into his first Snickers Bar and never stops. There’s a reason Ol’ Saint Nick is so jolly…he’s high on sugar.
And he’s not the only one. Even if tonight is the only time you take a bite of that Bit o’ Honey, Twix Bar, Hershey Bar, Milky Way, Milk Duds, Three Musketeers, Milk Duds, Jolly Rancher, Mr. Goodbar, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, Milk Duds, Blow Pop, Almond Joy, Baby Ruth, Starburst, Payday, M & M’s, Swedish Fish, Skittles, Tootsie Roll, Jelly Belly, Twix, Butterfinger, Kit Kat, Twizzlers, Snickers, or Fireball, (can you tell I love Milk Duds?), let’s face it, it’s over. And don’t lecture me on how I left a ton of names off the list, just take another puff of that candy cigarette and relax.
There will be a ton of kids with scary, silly and inappropriate costumes knocking on my door tonight, asking for a treat. And little do they know the joke’s on them, go ahead kid, have some candy. I’m here to tell you, it’s the beginning of the end. Just wait until you’re 40-something, staring at that bowl of sweet sugar as it passes through your hands and into their bigger-than-necessary bag. It ain’t easy. But as the supply gets low, that’s when I’ll really celebrate Halloween, by doing something devious. I’ll click off that porch light early, so they’ll just stop coming, and I can save just a few precious pieces. Yes, it’s selfish, but it’s a sickness.
Or maybe, just maybe, this year will be different. I’ll face my fear, be disciplined, be strong and turn away from those poltergeists in the pretty wrappers. This year I won’t indulge, I’ll walk away, I’ll just say no.
FAT chance. Give me a big Hershey Kiss baby and let the games begin.
Until next time, thanks for taking the time (just don’t take my Kit Kat bar).
Mark Brodinsky, Author
It Takes 2
#1 Amazon Best Seller